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Introduction - Clucky after 30

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> A short essay on delayed parenting.

June 3rd, 2009

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02:46 pm - Introduction
Hello...I am a 32 year old artist, who up until very recently was not sure about being a parent.
When I was younger, and pretty much all through my teens, I swore up and down that I didn't want kids, that I just didn't have the patience. I also felt that maybe I was too selfish, wanting enough time and space to myself to do my art.
When I was 20 I started not feeling well after a bout of Mono at age 18.Fatigue, pain...it wasn't until I was 25 that I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I was also diagnosed a few years before with PCOS. At 26, I met my wonderful husband, and on and off we would say that any possibility of kids was "in the future." (He is 5 years older than I, and was married once but has no children.) He was badly abused as a child, and suffers from PTSD(his mother tried to kill him.) He is an incredibly loving person, he treats our kities like royalty or gods even! Only the best. He loves to nurture. But, we kind of had an unspoken agreement that between my health, his stress, and our finances altogether, that we were just never going to be "ready" for parenthood. I stayed on Yasmin as a form of not only birth control but to try to help manage the cysts from the PCOS.
Then, about a year ago, something seemed to change in both of us. We had bought a sweet little home, and one day he must have felt particularly sweet and romantic because he said he wanted me to have his child. I started to think about it, and even went to my OBGYN to discuss possibilities and options, due to the PCOS. She said if we wanted to start trying, let her know, as she wanted me to have medical assistance, etc, since no one knew if we could conceive or not. Time went by, and things were going wrong for our families, sick parents, financial problems, etc. The last thing on our minds was a baby.
At Thanksgiving last year, my sister announced she was pregnant. She had just turned 21, she had married a year ago at 20, and had gotten pregnant for their one-year anniversary. She is 11 years younger than I. Some part of me felt sad, but then I just tried to settle in my mind that I would just be happy being an aunt. After all, you can take the kid for the weekend, spoil them, and then send them home to mom and dad, right?
Mid-March this year my period was late. I had recently been switched to Ocella, and had noticed that it didn't seem to be as effective or something as Yasmin, but didn't think much of it. There had been a lot of stress, both of our dad's had landed in the hospital with near-fatal events, and other stuff was going on. We hadn't been intimate but once in an entire month. I was having pms type effects though...had to pee a lot, bloaty, my breasts were very tender. I had acid reflux, but I also have Barretts so I figured it was that and didn't think anything of it. Then on the 1st day of Spring I got to work(I work at early am) and within 1/2 hour I felt grossly nauseated. It lasted several hours, on and off. I thought "It couldn't be!" But I couldn't get the thought out of my head. After work I stopped and bought a HPT. Within 5 minutes I was staring at a pink + sign. I thought i might faint.
I admit, we panicked.
After a week we settled into the idea, and I became very happy being pregnant. That lasted about 2-2 1/2 weeks. Then I started spotting. I'll spare you the details, but I miscarried in April around my 32nd birthday.
We didn't tknow we wanted a baby until all of this. I have taken it pretty hard, especially with my sister growing bigger everday, due at the end of this month. Every week they check my levels, I am under 200 now. We want to start ttc as soon as my obgyn feels it is a good idea. She is considering putting me on Metformin to help, so that this does not happen again.
But, here we are, 32 and 37, wanting a baby. I only want one! A baby girl! ButI want one nevertheless.
So, I am pleased to meet you, and that is my story thusfar.
Current Location: MA
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed

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